This I have heard.
There once was a seeker named Pada, who made the acquaintance of three wandering monks, one leper, and a cow. The one thing that Pada wished more than anything was to seek spiritual liberation, to escape the cycle of Samsara. She deeply wished to be taught the supreme truth and to learn spiritual practice, so one by one she asked the monks for their help.
Going to the first monk, Pada said, "Noble Acharya, please, I wish so very much to learn the supreme truth, will you teach it to me?" The first monk replied, "I cannot teach it, I am not qualified. If you wish to learn, go and visit the Temple of the Button-Down Mind." Pada went to the temple and found there devotees dancing wildly, singing loudly, and flinging themselves against a statue of Bob Newhart, the temple's patron deity. Everywhere she looked, under the morose, deadpan gaze of Bob Newhart were devotees lost in the throes of devotional ecstasy. In chanting she felt bliss that she had never experienced before. Sublime, intoxicating bliss; surely this was the path to liberation, she thought.
"Take off that colorful dress," one said, "We wear only simple frocks, we do not indulge in materialism."
"Cut off that hair," another said, "Long hair is indulgence, we do not indulge in vanity."
"Do not eat that food," said yet another, "We eat only bagels and shmear which have been offered to Bob, unclean foods have no place in the temple."
Pada followed their instructions. She wore only plain frocks; she shaved her head; she adhered to the strict diet of only bagels. However, it seemed that no matter how many regulations she followed, there was always another. "No garden veggie cream cheese on season premiere day!" "You must circumambulate the replica office chair!" "We do not speak of Mary Tyler Moore!" "You cannot sit that way, it's weird!" "Do not smile at me!"
Every day she was given another rule, until finally Pada went to the temple priest, saying "Please, I have come here to seek liberation and to learn the supreme truth, but the only thing I have learned is how to follow your strict rules!" The priest replied, "Without the regulations, your practice is useless. You will never reach liberation unless you follow the rules perfectly."
Pada knew that she had never done anything perfectly in her life, and so she knew that she could not reach liberation this way. That very day, she put on her brightly colored clothes and left the temple.
Pada soon came upon the second monk. Going to him, Pada said, "Noble Acharya, please, I wish so very much to learn the supreme truth, will you teach it to me?" The second monk replied, "I cannot, but perhaps you can realize it for yourself." "Must I shave my head?" she asked. "Goodness, no," the monk replied. "Must I wear plain clothes and eat only bagels?" she asked. "You may wear and eat what you wish, simply be mindful and reverent. Go and visit the Ashram of Cosmetological Truth, you will learn much." Pada went to the Ashram and there found the students sitting in meditation. The guru welcomed her, and she took her place. In meditation she found the silence amid the noisy of her whirling mind. She felt the illusion of her ego slip away, and felt her consciousness transcend individual existence. Surely, this was the path to liberation, she thought.
That evening, the students gathered around the guru and began to sing praises. As they did, some students took up beauty implements and started to meticulously groom the guru, bathing him in oil, curling his eyelashes, braiding his hair, doing his nails. One by one the students all took a turn massaging, washing, brushing, buffing, or waxing the guru. Finally, the students looked to Pada. She declined; she did not come here to trim a teacher's nose hair. The students completed the ritual, but she was quickly pulled out of the chamber.
"If you are going to practice with us, you need to devote yourself to the guru," they said, "And treat the guru as we would treat the lord." "Better," another student chimed in, "We revere the guru even above gods, because he is their representative sent to us. Without him we have no hope of ever reaching liberation."
"But he is not god. He is a human, and he is capable of washing his own bottom. What he teaches has value, but I have come here seeking liberation, not to be a servant to a living man," said Pada.
"If you will not weave flowers into his braids, polish his bald spot, wax his mustache, or comb his toe hair," a student said, "then his teachings will be poison to you; you will be overcome by your karma and will never achieve liberation, not in a million more lifetimes."
Pada knew that no living human on earth was worthy of such groveling, and so she knew that she could not reach liberation this way. That very day, she departed from the guru without even spit-shining his eyebrows, and wandered from the Ashram back to her village, feeling dejected.
Going to the third monk, Pada said, "Noble Acharya, please, I wish so very much to learn the supreme truth, will you teach it to me?" The third monk replied, "The supreme truth reveals itself to each of us in a unique way. I cannot teach it to you, but perhaps I can help you find the path." "I have searched long for that path," Pada said, "But have only found paths that lead nowhere." "No path leads nowhere," the monk replied, "Though some may be detours along the way. Liberation is like the peak of a mountain, and there are many paths to that peak. You only need to find the one you can walk." "Can you help me find that path?" Pada asked, and the monk replied, "Come with me to the Karmic Soup Monastery, we will help you find your own way."
At the monastery, Pada found a wide variety of practitioners pursuing a variety of different practies and traditions; some doing nature worship, some engaged in meditation, some doing ascetic practice, others dancing and chanting wildly in devotional ecstasy, and so many others. Some juggled, others did yoga, still others held vigils balancing upon poles. There were prayer circles, book clubs, support groups, and lifting teams. There were neopagans, neoquakers, and neoplatonists. There were black masses, high masses, and weapons of mass distraction. There were preachers preaching, SubGenii ranting, and Dudeists abiding. Anything that could conceivably be a spiritual practice was in practice here. "Which practice should I join?" Pada asked. "Any one you like," the monk replied, "and if you wish to change, do so. There are no restrictions on you here, we all support each other and celebrate the diversity of our different experiences."
For a time, Pada examined many different teachings, and learned many philosophies, and mastered many practices. Every day was a spiritual reward, and every day she felt more sure of being in precisely the right place. At last, Pada felt at home. Surely, this was the path to liberation, she thought.
One day, the same monk arrived again, and he greeted her, asking how she had been. "It's so wonderful here. I am learning so much, and my practice is so meaningful. I truly feel that with the support of this community I can reach spiritual liberation in this lifetime, and be free of the cycle of reincarnation."
"Oh, don't be silly," the monk said. "Your practice is good, and it's invaluable, but you cannot reach liberation in this lifetime."
Pada was taken aback by the bluntness of the answer, even hurt a little, which stung all the more because it was the first time since arriving at the monastery that she had felt hurt in any way. "But why not?" she asked.
"Well, because you're a woman," answered the monk, with a gentle smile. Kindly, he touched her cheek and explained, "But don't worry. Keep up your practice, and you could be born as a man next time, and then liberation will be easy for you."
Feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed, Pada packed up her things and left the monastery during the night.
While walking back to the village in the night, Pada came upon a leper who asked her for alms.
"I've just come from living with monks in a monastery, and before that with students in an ashram, and before that with devotees at a temple. I am sorry that I have nothing to offer you," Pada said.
"On the contrary," the leper said, "It sounds like you have a great deal of knowledge to offer me. Tell me, what did you learn from your experiences? Did you learn the supreme truth?"
"I did not," Pada replied. "I only learned that every path ends in disappointment."
"Oh, dear," said the leper, "In what way?"
Pada frowned and spoke with disdain. "The devotees of the temple are more devoted to following the rules than to their deity. From them I learned the value of breaking rules. The students in the ashram are being manipulated into worshipping an ordinary man. From them I learned never to place my spiritual well-being into anyone else's hands. And the monks..." she paused.
"Yes?" the leper asked, almost eager.
"From the monks I learned that there is no marked path to reach liberation; we must each form our own path."
"Very good, yes," the leper said. "So why have you left them?"
"Because they told me I could never reach liberation because I'm a woman. I cannot be a part of such a community. I am returning home to stay, every path I have tried to follow has failed me."
"Hm, yes, I can see how that would be rather disappointing..." the leper paused in thought. "But there is one path you haven't tried yet."
"I know already what you're going to say - I haven't yet tried my own path," Pada interjected. "But how will I learn the supreme truth if not from an enlightened teacher? If I cannot hear the teachings, if I am not instructed in practice, how will I ever reach liberation?"
"Gentle seeker," the leper said, "I cannot enter a temple or an ashram or a monastery, because I am a leper. I am unclean. That is my path. I cannot hear the teachings, and yet I have heard them. I have no chance to practice, but I will be liberated in this life - this very night - because I have learned the supreme truth."
"Oh, really?" Pada said, a little bemused.
"Yes indeed, and you have taught it to me."
Pada tilted her head. "I did? I don't recall doing that. Well, what is it?"
"There is a threefold explanation," the leper said. "First: no rule so important that it cannot be broken. Second: no man is so important that he must be worshipped. And third: No path is so important that it cannot be abandoned."
"I already know that liberation cannot be found in rules, or teachers, or traditions. That's not the supreme truth," Pada responded.
"Perhaps not," the leper said, "But you can hear it from here, if you stop looking, and start listening."
Pada and the leper looked at each other in silence for 23 seconds, and then the leper dragged himself up a muddy hillside toward a tree upon which he could lean to rest. However, before he reached the top, a cow standing on the hill lost its footing and fell over, crushing and killing him instantly.
The cow, sprawled on the muddy hillside, cried out "Mu." Pada heard this, and in that moment became enlightened.
